Fading Stripes

Achieving : A Vision Clear like Water

2010-03-30T09:33:00.000-07:00

There have been many challenges these past few months. Circumstances have come down on me heavily. Due to my naïve assumptions, and possibly taking on more then I could chew I have felt the full financial and emotional grunt of my actions. It would be a terrible waste not to walk away from this time a wiser man.

I do the only thing I feel it is within my power to do; be patient, and learn as much as I can.

Its something I have learned in these past few days that I now want to share. Partially to spread awareness, but partially to further crystallize the concept to myself. Nothing terribly profound I’m afraid… just a basic concept that we are all aware of.

“WITHOUT A VISION; THE PEOPLE PERISH”

Strait out of the bible yo!

Something that I noticed while shuffling around (getting no results or progress) was that the actions I was taking felt very lame and without purpose. This lead to predictably negative results and the spiral continued.

I didn’t know what I wanted →

→ I took ineffective action → I got negative results → I started to believe my actions would not succeed before even attempting → I took ineffective action…. etc etc

Eventually I had a hard time justifying anything except feeling sorry for myself and giving up. This all lead to a score of old negative habits to creep back. I started reacting to people and events. I became worried with what people thought about me. With what would happen to me. I became fearful of living again.

The reason I say ‘again’ is because for a long time in my life I felt very stifled with fear. The reason I couldn’t act the way I wanted, do the things I wanted was because I was fearful of consequences.

The results of an unobserved and thus uncontrolled mind.

I hear a lot of mysticism around the area of manifesting through vision. There is a lot of voodoo in this area, and partially this can be a good thing I think. There are few greater marketing tools then a good veil of mysticism.

On the other hand, mysticism can often be misunderstood. What’s worse it can be misused by people wanting to use it for their own ends. True understanding of these concepts comes through experience. At this point in my life I believe harsh experiences are the greatest teachers, but that could just be a negative worldview I have developed.

Manifestation is another word I particularly think gets tossed around without thought. The word seems to suggest events and things condense into existence via a puff of rainbow colored smoke and unicorn joy. It’s an simple answer for people that don’t want an answer.

The term Life Hack comes to mind. Lets find a cheat!

Never mind the hard work and shedding of illusions that it takes to realize a vision.

The reasons basic concepts like the one stated above have become so widespread is because they apply to all experiences and journeys. Not just to attempting to excel at sports, or music. The basics seem to have little or no meaning sometimes. It is because their meaning and wisdom becomes glaringly obvious when one has stepped up to the task of creating something.

Finding your vision is hard. It was for me. Facing the fact that you don’t know what you want is a scary thought. I think we have been told what to want for so long that that vision making muscle has atrophied considerably. What’s even scarier is the realization that once you have a completely clear vision of what you want, you are going to have to walk through purging fire to obtain it.

Maybe its just easier to stay where you are.

Maybe…?

Everyone is free to do what they want, and not be judged for it. The only sin is the wasting of potential. Not creating what can be created in exchange for meager comforts is the saddest thing of all. I see people around me that have had a glance at their vision, but have denied it. Slowly it breaks most of them. It eats at them until they find a way to distract themselves. TV, eating, pointless tasks, sex and drugs. They find importance in things that are not important. The longer one faces away from it, that harder it becomes to return to it.

To wrap this up and restate my point; action without vision is wasted action. Without seeing what you want, believing you can have it, the best thing you can do is hope that it will magically manifest.

But if you truly understand the manifestation process, then man the fucking plow and start a journey of incredible highs, and soul braking lows!

Or you can hope to win the lottery…

Good luck with that!=)

Online Journals

2010-03-29T02:21:00.000-07:00

Its hard to keep motivated when updating this thing.

I Journal meticulously on paper.

For some reason it feels more real then this digital online journal. The only advantage I see in Internet blogging is the sharing of my thoughts with other people.

Withering

2010-01-27T08:55:00.000-08:00

My focus has been dead wrong the past few days, possibly weeks. If I would have to name the feeling I would call it “Withering”. Aimless wondering about which has been leading to less and less enthusiasm for action.

In turn “less-and-less” action has lead to a feeling of powerlessness and negativity. I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing.

I am of course a person of many shades, and I have also been experiencing some amazing things these few weeks, but I need to find the root of why I’m loosing my enthusiasm.

I have stopped growing, and if your not growing, you are by nature withering.

Not to go on and on to much about it, but basically I have decided to retake my focus, and start growing again. What I miss the most is the enthusiasm for life that I had at the end of the last summer.

I set up some daily habits that will be unaffected by what ever circumstances occur around me.

• Cold shower right after I get up, followed by 15 of meditation. Then some me time while preparing and eating breakfast.
• Increase my time studying French to 30 min.
• Plan + Execute strategies for ombok. This can take as much time as I feel is productive in investing.
• Apply for at least 1 new job per day. Possibly follow up on pending applications.
• Work out every other day.
• Read/study random material for at least 1 hour. Currently this ranges from Physics/programming/drawing or business.
• Hang out with a friend.

I get the very real feeling that I’m sitting around waiting for things to start. That is literally one of the worst feelings I can imagine and a real warning sine that something’s got to change. A life should not be lived in vain.

The Way of the Sage; Patience and Acceptance

2010-01-14T12:50:00.000-08:00

The more I try to achieve, the more life seems to school me in the art of acceptance. Showing me that I don't really have the measure of control that I thought I had. The fact of the matter is that a lot of the events around me are circumstances beyond my control. Certainly not beyond my influence, but definitely beyond my control.

In realizing this, focus that I have previously spent on things such as, how other people react to me, how good I stack up the person beside me, or what kind of results I get for my efforts, now shift to my actions. More specifically, my actions, and my internal perception of those actions.

Most people would argue that perception is an objective thing, but I sincerely beg to differ.

What I now see more and more is that the pay out for quality of action always comes back to me, if not at first, certainly at a later time. This has made me realize another dimension of achieving real success. That dimension is time. The realization that time is the buffer that is needed to make any actions really stick to reality has developed into a greater patience.

I wouldn’t all myself the most patient person in the world, but with a deeper understanding, I can apply it more effectively.

A huge mistake that I have often made in the past is to look around me and ask “Why are things this way?” and then expend energy on all that I see that I perceive as a negative. The last thing that people want to do is accept a negative. It lies in human nature to resist, internally and or externally.

This lead to a further realization that success or change is not achieved, it is grown into. Becoming something new by doing something was the old way of thinking. Though process 2.0 is I set the course for what I want, and begin the growing process.

Something I would urge people to consider before they set aside the principle of accepting current circumstances;

If the world around you is shit, realize that the person you are right now is part of that world. Unless you let go of who you are (the act of acceptance) and let go of all the negativity circumstances are generating within you, you are going to continue being part of that world.

Take responsibility for the only real thing you can control, your focus and your actions right now.

Identity v2.0

2009-10-11T15:52:00.000-07:00

For those of you that know me or follow the blog, then you might be aware that I have recently dropped out of school. Initially it was to do some stuff I have always been day dreaming about, but as of late its turned into a spiritual odyssey into who I am.

Well maybe not quite so dramatic but hey…. Always fun to make things a bit cooler then they are.

Before I get to what I want to talk about I want you to read this. A awesome insight by a guy called Owen Cook about your personal image and its use.

‘Identity is the mental image you have of yourself that relates you to and separates you from the rest of society 8[your environment]

Slight paraphrase…..

On to what I have to say; I realized that my personal identity has become incredibly week. Not in the sense that I am going through a crisis where I don't know who I am, but more in the fact that all the things I have identified with throughout my life have been pulled out.

Its like a plant being unearthed. Imagine the roots hanging in mid air, dangling, looking for something to latch on to. Well thats pretty much how my sense of self is feeling right now.

I’m going to briefly talk about the unimportant effects of this, rather small observations I have made.

I find it hard to talk with people…. Specifically new people I meet. For those of you that don't know I am incredibly fond of heading out to a bar or club and just being super social with everyone!

Its something I have done for years. Back when I started doing it, the focus was to get over any nervous hang-ups or social blind spots I had with girls. Slowly this weekly hobby of meeting girls evolved into a broader spectrum where it became more about meeting, and interacting with people in general. Through my interactions with others it became a way for me to learn more about myself. More so then I think most people (I assume)

I have had to deal with a lot of issues over my developing social skills.

Shyness, in authenticity, qualifying myself to other people, handling “troublesome” people, connecting with people, becoming unaffected by other peoples views/opinions/responses etc etc etc

To most it might seem strange that I would go out and actively learn things that most people take for granted, but I made my decision, and I’m all the happier about it.

Lately I find myself walking around a social gathering, enjoying myself, when I decided to walk over and engage others.

After I greet them I realize……. I have absolutely nothing to say. Or rather, it’s hard for me to imagine communalities with another person. A lot of times I just end up standing there after my greeting…. just not saying anything…. Yeah, its pretty awkward.

Now, this is something that struck me today, so I haven’t really contemplated it for to long, This, not having anything to say is something I have not experienced for a very long time, and I believe its related to the fact that all my identity reference points have been pulled from under me. This is new territory, and we’ll see where it takes me.

On the other hand what I feel is the super positive aspect of all this, is that I have a chance to really consciously decide where my “roots” are going to be grounding themselves.
This is harder then it seems. At least it is for me, and it has been for people that I know that have uprooted themselves in a similar manner. Cementing an identity takes discipline, structure, and a system. It takes an ability to endure humiliation while trying out new things to gain new reference points.

One more time;

Success in new endeavors greatly depends on ones ability to endure humiliation.

We’ll see

The Routine-less Void

2009-10-04T06:11:00.000-07:00

It’s been a few weeks now. No school, no job, no obligations. I could tell you I’m bored, that I feel like I’m wasting my time, or that I’m procrastinating…. But I would be lying to you. Fuck ,there is something incredibly liberating about not having anything to do.

I will admit that it’s harder to get my ass in gear for tedious task that have to be done on a day to day basis, but I can live with that.

List of tedious day-to-day tasks:
• Getting out of bed
• Getting dressed
• Getting my ass out of the apartment

It could be that I’m just projecting my own biases onto the world (and in all likelihood it is), but I feel judged letting people know about this. I feel that not doing something, achieving, moving towards a goal is a dirty thing. Like I should feel ashamed of it. That I’m just, as one of my friends so eloquently put it; masturbating my life away.

I believe in balance, and there is a time and place to take massive action and push through your comfort zones. Then there is a time for rest and relaxation, just enjoying what you have and re-charging the batteries. But if you can’t feel good about yourself without “doing” things to somehow enhance your own image of yourself, then there is a serious problem in your view of the yourself/the world.

People always debate; “If I always felt good, I would never do anything. My dissatisfaction motivates me!”

I tend to be fairly open minded, and I try my hardest to cultivate empathy for people around me, but in my opinion (this is my blog), this is complete bullshit. Mental garbage in the highest degree. A way unhappy people make meaning of their sad day-to-day existence.

“Its ok, I’ll just be unhappy and motivated now, and then one day I’ll have a happy ending!”

Let me ask you this, when do you tend to be the most motivated, take the most risks of trying new things, most creative, and most bold in action? When your depressed and feeling like the whole world is out to get you, or when your feeling good, really trusting yourself, and having enough self confidence to just enjoy experiencing the world instead of micromanaging how your going to “change” your circumstances.

I always identified with being the underdog. The guy who against all odds struggles to the top… I always had the motivation cause I had to change the way things were. If this isn’t a wasted life then I don't know what is.

To keep some sort of structure on my daily life, I started implementing baby steps in the things I don't want to completely neglect. Since I don't go to the gym anymore I work calisthenics. I find it difficult to get myself to do it every day, so as an experiment I have lowered my threshold of what I have to do.

Body:
30 push ups
50 sit ups
Hand stands for 2 minutes

Meditation for 10 min

Stretching my legs 4x15 sec

To keep my mind from deteriorating I make sure to read a set amount each day;

Steven Hawkins’s A Brief History of Time
Joseph Helle’s Catch-22

No TV. TV is for people who do stuff with their life. I limit my time on the Internet as much as I can. Other then that I spend my time just enjoying very simple pleasures, and hanging out with friends. Laying in my bed thinking about… well not really thinking about anything. Good thing my dad dosn’t read this blog, he would flip a shit.

The site I been working on since APRIL is finally finished and ready for official announcement to the wavering masses! Its not perfect, but good enough is good enough, and I’m certain it will be a useful tool to allot of people at my university.

www.ombok.se

I’m trying not to develop some sort of identity around this whole thing. It should always be about solving a problem, not getting some superficial high from succeeding.

We have printed up some awesome posters (also not the exact way I pictured them, but again, good enough is good enough) that we are going to be distributing around campus. I’m going to get in touch with the secretaries of the majors at our university and see if I can send a mass email to all the students announcing our site.

And I guess I’ll make a facebook group or an event about it. What eve……

As for my big plans of adventures in Norway this year, I have to put them on ice until the end of October. Seems I’m going on a vacation with my family to Thailand. Going to be nice to get some sun and all that.

Looking for schools in France where I can spend some time studying French for a trimester.

I’m enjoying the down time as much as I can , we’ll see how long it lasts.

Picking up where I left off

2009-09-10T10:14:00.000-07:00

New phases of life has begun. For the first time, in what seems to be a life time, I am really free of obstructions. I don't have a job, am not going to school; don't have anything tying me down concretely. On top of that the increasingly heavy mental burden of having unfinished exams has now been lifted. This past summer 2009, I have passed 3 major exams that I had dragging along my academic career. This is the first time since the beginning of my college career that I have cleared all exams. It’s an extremely liberating situation.

Breakfast celebration after passing my Orgo Chem exam 2006

Now comes a new adventure. I’m going to try to make my way in life in an entirely new way. Going to make some money, do some traveling, try some interesting new things, and hopefully learn more about who I am as a person then I ever have!

Success is a simple matter of win or lose in each situation.

I’m going to have to make a schedule of my daily routines. The temptation of just picking up a PS3 and chilling out for the next 2 months is to high. I’m going to need allot of rules now in the beginning to form some sort of routines. Ultimately, rules that restrict options create a life of independence, and independence leads to freedom.

As far as I’m concerned, until the ball starts rolling, I’m in prison. This is not a year off from school; this is more like a year on my life…. If that makes any sense. Hopefully I’ll have the urge to post more regularly to keep track of my progress.

Breakfast celebration after passing my final left over exam Bio Stata 2009

Cheers

Situational Inner States

2008-12-15T12:56:00.000-08:00

Whaoooo its been a while. Been wrestling with some extraordinary circumstances so haven't found the real spark to post things up here.

The other day though i had such a epiphany about something i really wanted to put it down in words. Figured it might have been time for another article.

To be honest i don't think this article conveys the full weight of what i stumbled upon, but at least it might make people think

Enjoy at your leisure

Situational Inner States

I think we can all agree that at one time or another we have all felt like we have been on top of our lives. A feeling of complete control. Some people call it being in the zone, being in state, mojo, or just plain high on life. What ever it is, this magical mentality seems to give us the resources and energy to tackle any obstacle. We can do no wrong.

So how you ever wondered when it is that you feel like this? Some say that this is achieved when the balance of challenge and skill are perfectly balanced. Things are not to hard, but not to easy. Others feel it when they make a lot of money, buy new (cars, cloths, plastic surgery insert your favorite material). Still others take the short cute, and use plain old Colombian cocaine.

So is that what it really takes to get there? Maybe… I wouldn’t argue with the evidence, but on the other hand I don’t think it’s a prerequisite.

When all is said and done, this mental state im talking about is usually referred to as confidence. So what is it then that gives people confidence?

I can only speak from personal experience but I think there is a general trend in society….that on some level is fairly disturbing.

Have you ever noticed when your with a group of friends, and you know that in that group you’re the most dominant, forward and adventurous person. All of a sudden, you feel entitled to being social, being fun, and talkative. You’re the life of the party.

Now lets say it’s the same party, but you’re with a crowed of what you perceive to be “cooler” people then you. You don’t really know anyone, and people have no idea who you are. All of a sudden you’re not the most talkative person in the room. Your not cracking jokes, mingling or having a good time. You have been demoted to an average wallflower.

Everyone has felt this way at some point.

So what’s going on here??

Well as I see it (and this might just be my cynical observations) people derive their confidence from their surrounding social environment. Your confidence is built upon how you see yourself compared to other people around you.

In other words you have situational confidence.

But is it always like this…is it supposed to be like this…cant you be confident just because of you. Is that what people call self esteem?

I think we have all felt unexplainable emotions. When we stop looking for the things in our lives to validate us. As always the first step to getting past this is to be aware of it.

In the future I hope to write an article about how to develop pure none “situational” self esteem, but at this cross road I would be writing about something I myself have not mastered.

Maybe a good new years resolution??

Trophy Smashing

2008-08-28T15:18:00.000-07:00

The Way of the Peaceful Warrior is one of my favorite books right now. Cant say that i learned alot of new stuff from it, but i identified with the story tremendously. Although the movie and the book are two completely different things, i think this scene in the movie was very well done (a bit cliche, but well none the less).

The music aint half bad either

You Paying Attention?

2008-08-24T03:18:00.000-07:00

Its been a awesome couple of days now that I am finally back from my two week trip to Turkey. Provided the much needed physical rest that I needed, sadly I was mentally anxiety ridden the whole time for one of my scheduled re take exams when I could come back.

Regardless, there are things to do, and people to see. I haven’t reached my limit just yet, although certain signs would indicate that I have.

Was having my usual 4 pieces of bacon breakfast today when suddenly I had a insight about the whole meaning of Zen (being present, or what ever you want to call it).

As I see it, Zen all boils down to what you are paying attention to. A lot of people have the misconception that Zen is something that is acquired by mystic far east Asian masters, when in reality, everyone has the same potential for it.

To explain;

The mind is a reflex organ, it twitches at stimuli constantly, and for the most part can not be controlled (try controlling your mind for a entire day, let alone 1 hour). So basically your brain will be sending messages to you constantly and non stop, all of witch to a certain degree you will be paying attention to.

But how important is it to pay attention to a movie that is as sporadic, and ultimately meaningless as your mind. Consider also that when focusing on these thoughts, emotions are what follow, and after you have entered one emotional state, thoughts congruent with that will follow i.e. the downward spiral of depression, or the invigorating feeling of being in state.

So how does this then relate to Zen (if you haven’t already figured it). Well, usually, Zen will be equated with a certain task, in the form of raking patterns in sand, sword fighting, or playing the flute. A moment when ones attention is so fully in what one is doing tat the mind melts away.

A shift in focus

None practitioners of Zen usually substitute this with forms of sport, thrill seeking, or commonly drugs.

It’s the same old world as it was yesterday, but with drugs, everything looks new and different. You’re re-exploring the world, so your attention shifts.

The epiphany that I had is that you don’t need a specific activity to induce this state of heightened awareness. You’re always doing something (standing, eating, typing). Why couldn’t we just give our complete attention to whatever the small things that we are doing are at that moment and experience Zen in that way?

Well I believe that we can, but the mind has a incredible amount of momentum. If you haven’t gotten used to focusing on what needs to be focused on for your entire life, you better believe that doing it the first time around is not going to be a peace of cake.

Regardless daily practice and baby steps is the only way to attain something. So I guess today is as good a day as any to start paying attention.

Self-Forgiveness

2008-07-29T15:00:00.000-07:00

I have become increasingly picky with my moods when I try to write articles. If the first few sentences don’t feel just right, I am not going to have the drive to finish the entire pice. I would hope this stems from a more artistic drive behind my writing, but it could just be plain old laziness.

I would like to discuses the topic of self-forgiveness, or rather self acceptance. A lot of people walk around with the excuse in their minds that shyness is the main factor holding them back. The fear of rejection has stopped many-a-men from reaching their God given potential.

This issue could be addressed from a different angle.

A more empowering angle

Yet sadly

A more self-crucifying angle

Have we ever considered the possibility that we ourselves are the hardest critiques to face? So many people feel bad about their shortcomings, their failures and unfruitful efforts when in reality they should feel a deep sense of satisfaction for being in the world living life.

As the poem goes, only the man in the glass knows if you are true to yourself. But has the possibility ever occurred to you that the man in the glass is far to hard of a critiqu.

I'm not saying that we should be absolved of our responsibilities to perform to the best of our abilities. All I am advocating is that maybe we need to forgive ourselves.

We are all doing our best, and weather we like to admit it or not, at the time of our actions we are choosing what we perceive to be the path of least resistance. When later it is shown tht maybe we should have acted differently, we assume that we should have known better.

How? How could you have known?

What can adopting a more self forgetting mentality yield. Well for one it can make the discouraging sting of effortful failure less dramatic. The fear of trying new things, or learning old skills in new ways becomes less of a mental struggle.

Ultimately, only you can approve of yourself.

Lets start the healing….*cue the music*…..Heal the World by Michel Jackson

Creation of Rage

2008-07-10T10:51:00.000-07:00

Holy Shit

I was just at a local music festival here in The Netherlands. Pink Pop is a yearly festival that people here host annually. Three days of drunken, shirtless, badly tattooed people walking around and sleeping in the muck.

Does it get better then this? Yes….yes it does

This years front line of bands included Metallica, Foo Fighters, and none other then a personal favorite Rage Against the Machine. Not mentioning all the other really awesome bands that played in the festival. A number of witch could have been feature bands.

I only had time to go for one day so I had to pick from this massive buffet of awesomeness. For those of you who don’t know Rage Against the Machine was a very popular band back in the 90’s that broke up around the turn of the millennium. They were very politically active in their music and all of their songs have something to do with social reform. Their music can be described as a

“blend (of) hip hop, heavy metal, punk, and funk as well as its revolutionary politics and lyrics”
-wiki p.

I wasn’t even aware that they had been playing again.

Now that I had this rare chance to fulfill one of my life goals and see them in concert I had to take it.

Standing in the crowd before the show, can only be described as the massive tension before an orgasm. The crowd was electrified and no one really knew what to expect.

Sirens start wailing

4 men in organ jump suits and black bags on their heads step out escorted by guards

Guantanamo bay prisoners

The crowed reacts with sheer Pandemonium

Tensions erupt, and the few concentrated mosh pit (areas of extreme rock concert behavior) spread throughout the crowed like fire on an oil rig.

Standing still becomes the impossible as the band has their handcuffs removed and their instruments handed to them. The line between violence and excitement blur as people start jumping and waving their hands and fists in the air.

The moment the speakers explode with sound is defined by magic.

For the next 3 hours the band delivers a performance that can only be described as legendary.

Sadly my friends and I had to leave during their encore, and as we turned around, the festival grounds that had been fairly populated were now completely covered in a sea of people.

Amazing

The thing that really made this concert as awesome as I describe was the feeling that I took away from it.

There is something about seeing an artist performing his trade like that that just leaves you with a feeling of crispness and edge. Even though I only got four hours of sleep that night I was burning up the day after. Everything I did stuck, everything seemed to have a purpose.

It’s always inspirational when you come into contact with this sort of thing. I think that ultimately this is why civilization has appreciated art, music and literature through the ages.

Reading a good book, seeing a piece of art, or just pumping your fist to some head banging good tunes refreshes people.

Puts the salt back in the shaker

By no means is this feeling restricted to art and music though. I have met people that work their trade in science, business, and life in general with the same sort of intensity and feeling. Rare as they are you can always tell when you have met a person like this because you feel an indescribable magnetism to them.

That’s it

If you get a chance to see Rage or any other awesome band I suggest you take it. You wont regret it.

Watch out for the mosh pits though……

Consciousness VS. Unconsciousness

2008-05-12T13:50:00.000-07:00

My thoughts have been consumed the past couple of weeks. Coming to this exchange has proven to be a growing experience in more ways then one. Especially since Leiden (the city I live in) is so small, everything gets amplified.

Its like somebody cranks up the volume knob of life.

Everything from school, social circle, to self-growth gets shifted in the new environment.

I would recommend an exchange to anyone that has the chance. It’s like putting your brain into an oven and turning up the heat, but just enough to have a safe expansion. I mean, as long as you have school to anchor your life to how bad can things get??....

The topic I wanted to talk about was unconsciousness. It’s one of those ambiguous terms like enlightenment or love. People say it, they logically know what it is, but no one really looks at the root of it.

I'm speaking of living unconsciously vs. living consciously.

I am going to give examples that have clarified it to me, interpret as you will.

Not to long ago, I was asked by a very attractive female promoter if I wanted to attend their screening of some movie that was against animal testing…or abortion…or something along those lines.

I don’t recall I was focusing on other things then what she was saying.

I responded that maybe I would check what I was doing that day and I would get back to her if I were free.

As I walked away both the promoter, and I knew that I had no intention of coming back. It was an evasive answer just to get away from the situation. Walking away I realized that I did not consciously give my answer. It was a reflex that my brain spit out without even considering the actual situation.

It was an unconscious knee jerk response.

I responded because I did not want to suffer the emotional pressure of someone not liking me.

For those of you who are more advanced in the topic, I was trying to protect my ego.

This realization was very eye opening. ‘How often was I doing this?’ I thought.

A lot as it turns out.

After getting my hair cut the stylist tried some wax in my hair to see if we could spiff up the old hair doe.

Ladies love the hair.
Sadly the wax made me look like a greasy post-pubescent McDonalds worked.

“What do you think?”

“Looks awesome, thanks for the tip” I said as I forced something that I thought was a smile, but most likely resembled a distorted Pringles chip.

As soon as I said it I realized it had happened again. Not only that but my attempt at covering up my dislike for the hair was so poor I could hear the stylist laughing at my answer.

Lets face it; no one likes a person who is a bundle of social conditionings. People want to talk to people who are authentic and brave enough to speak ones mind, not social answering machines that spit out pre conditioned answers.

I don’t want to branch into another topic here, so I’m going to warp this up.

No examples of conscious answers will be given; I believe this is a very individual thing for everyone. Plus how can it be concuss if I tell you what it is.

See if you can catch yourself giving an answer, taking an action, or thinking a thought that is solely based on autopilot.

I read somewhere that the true master is totally in control of that split second between event and emotional response. The first step in emotional mastery is awareness of this split second.

Now if you excuse me...I have a date with a animal rights activist…. or a anti abortion activist…or maybe she was selling makeup…?

Cheerio

Motivation in a Can

2008-04-19T12:53:00.000-07:00

Motivation and proactivety are two very elusive things in my world. At times I feel like a champ, getting on top of everything, dealing with problems, and generally taking action. These periods are usually bursts that can span for anything from a month to a few days.

The rest of the time I am either shuffling through things to make ends meet or to just viciously procrastinating.

Viciously……

I been trying to figure out what was so special about those times I was on top of my game, and how I could recreate it. Harnessing that kind of power would lead to some serious cash money instead of me watching 10 episodes of Scrubs on my computer every day.

Scrubs is a awesome show.

So far, three things have been standing out in my mind witch really make getting things done rewarding.

Creativity

Purpose

Acceptance

Creativity really only happens when you are completing a task purely for the sake of doing it. Not for the sake of completing it, but actually doing the task. Being in the moment, not worrying about outcome, or in my case, how much more time is going to be needed to complete the task.

I find myself always flipping a few pages ahead to see how far I have left to read to finish my assignment.

Being creative with your tasks means making them your own. You put a personal twist to it that hasn’t been done before. This adds a sense of personal pride to it witch helps fuels the fire.

Knowing your Purpose gives the task a more realistic feeling in the sense that it can be completed. You have something to check your progress against.

As easy as having a purpose sounds I am always amazed at how often people just don’t know what they are working towards.

A example of a bad (vague) purpose would be passing a course, or being happy. Given that being happy and passing exams are important, but a good purpose is one that can be achieved with doing the task that needs to be done.

A purpose that works for me can be checked off as soon as I am done with the given task. What topic do I have to learn that day, what do I need to finish or get done to be able to achieve something that day.

Making it specific makes the task some more easily attainable.

I think people generally call this baby steps.

The third is acceptance. Knowing that a task has to be completed, and how you personally feel about it makes absolutely no difference in doing it.

I hate the stuff I do half the time, but getting it done leaves me with a feeling of satisfaction afterwards.

Anytime you challenge yourself or do anything scary, accepting that doing it is going to suck at first makes it less intimidating. The nagging voices comparing it to this and that, to things you like and things you don’t, stops. Your head becomes a bit clearer and you have more mental energy to focus on your task.

A total shift in perspective came to me when I realize happiness, acceptance, validation, etc etc really don’t motivate that well. Good emotions are poor motivating factors because not pushing myself makes me just as happy as pushing myself.

The relief I feel from avoiding to do something scary is as real as the joy I feel when I do challenge myself.

Why then push ourselves to be better. What’s the point of taking the strait and narrow, if the wide and crocked road gives you the same emotions.

I believe it all comes down to choices. Making a personal choice to take the “right” action. Much like Neo demonstrates in this final fight with agent Smith.

Smith:"Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more then your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?"

Neo:"Because I choose to."

The Matrix is a awesome movie.

Personally it boils down to how interesting things become for me after doing something. A life lived full of adventures and activities is a lot more interesting then a life lived playing world of warcraft every day in my parents basement.

The reason I wanted to write about this was because there is such a drastic difference in mood between these good and bad periods.

Hopefully I’ll be able to can what ever the motivating factors are soon. I'm tired of having to take re-exams of everything.

European Uni is a bitch…..

Approval Seeking

2008-04-11T04:01:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since I really felt enthusiastic about updating this thing. I have been receiving more and more feedback about my posts, and at some point I started letting that control me more then my urge to share information, experience, and value.

I tried to adjust my style of writing to what people liked and what they didn’t like.

BAD idea!

The creativity I felt when writing this stuff got snuffed, and every time I found the time (after massive amounts of procrastination) to sit down and draft an article, it would be a uphill struggle to find things to write about.

The end result spawned this piece of writing, witch when I look over now, I am not all that dissatisfied with.

It is what it is.

So expect a 400% increase in activity here. Even as I write this a bunch of new topics have sprung to mind that I want to write about. No more of this trying to adjust to the masses. Time to step up and make it raw, to the wind with public opinion.

Time to hand out some R rated content

Enjoy, be seeing you soon

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The long overdue update of my adventures in the heartland of western civilization.

Its been hard to find energy to motivate myself to take care of the things that really matter as of late. Finally wanted to get this post out.

I have now lived a bit more then 3 months in the Netherlands, and I have nothing but positive things to tell about this whole experience. Moving to a new country must be a scary task for anyone, but when you have a core goal (school in this case) it makes building the rest of your life around it much easier.

School has been going well, although the last course I took in Internal Body Regulation pretty much kicked my ass out of me. My Dutch class mates has done a great job of taking us foreign kids in and making us feel at home.

I even joined the student council….you know…where all the cool kids hang out. In a group of 8 girls I am the only male voice. Its tough, but someone got to do it.

Plus the ladies sure do know how to make a mean snack table for our meetings.

Sadly I must be the least traveled person in this local group of international students. All the people around me have been exploring Europe and been very active in that aspect, where I on the other hand have bunkered down here and devoted my time to other efforts.

Money is an issue here, but on the other hand, I feel like I’m using that as an excuse not to get out there.

I have decided that I need to touch the Mediterranean to revitalize myself. Need to get away from the daily routine, the rat race. I feel I lose my creative edge when I stay in one place to long.

The routine has become school during the day, and a series of bars that international student frequent during the night. Sadly I live very far away from the center, and the drunken bike ride home always ends up with me in a ditch at some point.

I have effectively taken my 100€ bike down to a value of 40€.

I'm enjoying the life that I am living here, and I can literally feel the growth that is taking place as far as experiences go. At the same time I am longing to see a change in scenario. I feel I’m going got have to take a trip somewhere soon. Get out of my skin for a bit.

My Dutch school uniform.....

People are going to be coming in to visit this moth so nothing that can be done at this point about the lack of traveling.

-Zebe

Utter Chaos

2008-03-25T15:40:00.001-07:00

Man its been hectic here. Sure is a juggling act balancing school with every day activities (and procrastination). Haven’t had time to update in a while but I got a good post coming.

This one is going to be a bit more "experience in Europe" based

Il leave you with this clip until then

Awesome movie

Cheers

-Zebe

And so it begins

2008-03-06T16:39:00.000-08:00

Doesn’t it rock being good at something? Man, when you know you can achieve, or have control of your life and what you do in it, its like having a warm blanket about you.

The comfort you experience in dwelling in this place is awesome.

And then comes the point when one day you realize you been sitting in the same comfort zone all this time while the world around you has been wizing by at light speed.

All the things you did that gave you so much pleasure are now again limitations. All those feelings of not being in control start to swell again and your back at the starting spot.

Today’s peaks are tomorrows platos.

Its weird taking the first "being-a-beginner-again" step again. That first plunges into the unknown. Its like your back to the same old uncomfortable place again, and effectively you are.

Just when you figured once you got good at one thing, that was it, you had it on lock, the feeling of discomfort and uncertainty was something of the past.

Fact is, certainty has become something of a perversion as of late. Everyone is working towards certainty, but at what coast.

Financial certainty

Romantic certainty

Social certainty

Political certainty

Etc etc

People stay in their comfort boxes because in that space they know they are in control.

This came to me today, as I was in familiar setting, but was trying out a different approach to the problems in this setting. I felt like the beginner I did about a year ago when I started practicing this particular skill.

Even in the midst of all the swirling and unpredictability, there was a sense of satisfaction. In the back of my head I knew that this feeling, this sort of “storm” as we can call it, is the precursor to mastering a new skill.

I am not going to elaborate because its late and I’m tired, but I wanted to make a write up about this.

Hope people can draw something from it.

//Zebe

Abundance Mentality

2008-03-04T15:20:00.000-08:00

Hold on to your hats, this is going to be fairly abstract.

Only a certain type of mindset will lucidly understand what im talking about here…..so probably .01% of people that read it.

The root of human insanity/suffering and its mindset…I would have to say that it would be the lack of an abundance mentality, a scarcity mentality, the thought process of always wanting more, always hording, thinking there is not enough for everyone.

Effectively creating a lack of balance in the material world.

With all this achieving and goal setting on my mind, I been starting to understand why so many people would turn to corruption, violence, crime etc. In other words, why so many people would turn to insanity.

For me the realization came as a positive thought in the shower:

“I can achieve pretty much anything I set after”

Yay for positive affirmations!

But seriously, there is a fundamental truth in this statement. Could I walk out the door right now and become a millioner. Well of course I could, it has happened countless times before, and it can happen again. All I need to do is focus all my attention on achievement and sooner or later it will be done. Or I will be dead in a few year (died trying) and then goals n’ money wont really matter.

Now we are getting closer to the bones of this. It’s not the actual goal of getting the million dollars that is what drives me, or successful people. The feeling of experiencing a process, a guided process. A directing of ones given energy into a single point, i.e. your goal. Achieving it is awesome and all, but walking the path is what makes it worth it.

Look at people that win the lottery, people that get a million dollars without really having it as a goal, and without walking the path.

Most of them are miserably unhappy, and end up losing the money they won very fast. Some even lose the money that they had before winning the lottery and end up with nothing. Makes you wonder?

So how is this the root of all evil then?

Imagine all the tragedy in the world that we are shielded from by our lil western culture bubble. The window that is our tv shows us glimpses of a far away land where people are starving, killing each other, polluting, and dying of diseases we cured long ago. Do you think these people get up every day and think: “I can achieve anything I set after”

We call this a rhetorical question.

There mind set I probably more along the lines of:
“there isent enough food for me”
“where am I going to get water today”
“Is my neighbor doing better then me. He is going to take everything, I better do something drastic”
“Is she thinner then me?!?! Time to go vomit half that power bar I just ate”

So forth, so forth, and so forth……

Commonality between the man in Africa about to kill his best friend that is part of another tribe, and the American high school girl thinking she is to porky. You guessed it by now right?

The scarcity mentality. They think that somehow they aren’t good enough for what they want, so they proceed to turn to violence, addiction, destruction, and God forbid…power bars (yuk!)

(shes not even all that bad, but man them super skinny girls give me the willys)

But how can one compare a starving man in Africa and a “slave-to-trends” girl in the US. Surly the African mans problems are far more dramatic and real then the girls are. Yes, its true, but the commonalety with both is the mental processes. The actual problem at hand then stops being the actual cause of the problem and becomes just a relative situation.

It is not the circumstances that make the mentality, it is the frame we put it in.

Harsh/sad/unfortunate but true.

I say fuck all that. Maybe its cause I was born into a fortunate family, maybe its cause I live in western society where materialistic possessions are abundant. I don’t know what it is, but until people start adapting a more abundant way of thinking, the collective insanity of this planet is going to grow until it eventually consumes itself.

Witch (make no mistake) it has the power to do. Yay A-Bomb!

I say let me never be complete, I say let me ever be content. I say you have to give up and accept. I say evolve, and let the chips fall where they may.

Do you understand what I’m saying?

I wish I were a better writer so I could convey meaning better but unfortunately this is what value I can squeeze out of my own epiphany onto paper. Hoppe it resonated with that .01% people I was talking to.

Manic random posts are the crown jewel in my arsenal.

Exams and Disceplin

2008-02-21T05:40:00.000-08:00

Things have really been off the wall lately. I'm talking about strait up pandemonium. All fronts of my current life have been shooting on all 6 cylinders. Outgoings 5 nights a week, studying every day, taking exams, making trips. All of it has been a crazy trip so far.

I have to say my self-discipline and will to deal with everything has really been a key force here.

Here is a video with what I did the other day by just using the sheer will of my discipline. The call it the force in this video, but its really the force of my self Will.

Ya I know, they have crazy STAR WARS battle cruisers down here in Holland what can I say, and all the professors dress in white storm trooper suits.

Weird country....

The fact is I feel pretty good about things as they are. School is going well, Neurology although a hard subject is really interesting to me. It really ties together some of the psychological factors I read about.

The brain is a fascinating tool. It actually will physically reprogram itself as you learn new skills, take on new thought patterns, and experience new things. This means that you can actually become a totally different person by learning new things.

Although a very uplifting revelation, it also made me realize how finite our brains were. Can we really be the sum of the number of neurons we have crammed into our heads?

Like to believe not.

On a less philosophical tone, I experienced complete exhaustion for the second time since I been here. I slept for 2 days strait after my exam. When I woke up I was so week from not eating that I thought I was dying.

I gathered the last of my strength, insulated myself in layers of sweaters and scarf’s and made my way to the super market. Only to find that WHOOPS, everything is closed here on Sundays.

Everything……

How does the economy of this country continuously stay stable? Regardless today I got my food and spent 3 hours eating. Energy returned, everything peachy keen.

I wanted to be sure that everything was alright so I made my way to the Hospital for a medical opinion.

Walking right into the emergency room I started complaining about abdominal pains, and other slight symptoms I could recollect I been experiencing on and off in the past.

Well after the first frustrated doctor explained to me this wasn’t a case for the emergency ward they sent me to another private physician in the hospital.

Side not: this is the hospital where I study

He did some tests, checked the old liver, eyes, blood pressure etc etc.

We both agreed that I needed more sleep.

After the check up the receptionist was about to charge me for my 15 minute visit. I wasn’t having any of that, so I used the patented one shot kill technique.

This technique was passed down to me from a old Kung fu monk sage. It is so powerful that the part of my brain that knows it has to be constantly numbed by morphine or my head would just explode for the sheer power of this method. It was time to use it.

The “LOOK STUPID AND FORIGEN LOOK” on my face technique!

Any question she asked was followed my a series of mumbles and long prononciated “ummmm”s and “uhhh”s

They let me go without having to pay…..obviously.

I seriously got to start getting more sleep. I have a 2 week brake now, so il be focusing on my resting a lot more then I did in the past.

That’s the low down on the events around here.

Now that the first exam is done with and I have this 2 week brake im going to be doing a bit of traveling.

Stay tooned for adventures in the European underbelly.

Cheers

Shadow Dreams

2008-02-10T12:03:00.000-08:00

Ever since I started getting more in tune with the present moment I have been having some weird….hiccups.

I have been disidentifying more and more with negative emotions, stress, and other feeling in general. They still come but I no longer see them as being part of who I am. I just observe.

Like clouds.

I noticed that I have been having some weird dreams as of late. I am fighting people, showing hate towards them, frustration. Panicking about school, money etc. I wake up and realize what I have been dreaming bout.

Not to long ago these events and feelings would have been my reality.

Familiar with the theory of Carl Jung's shadow?

“The Shadow, is a psychological term introduced by the late Swiss psychiatrist, Dr. Carl G. Jung. It is everything in us that is unconscious, repressed, undeveloped and denied. These are dark rejected aspects of our being as well as light, so there is positive undeveloped potential in the Shadow that we don’t know about because anything that is unconscious, we don’t know about.”

It’s a strange feeling. Like my shadow making desperate grabs for me while I'm a sleep. Now that I am shining a spotlight on these things and staying completely observant of them the power they have over me seems to diminish.

In my sleep though I still cant distinguish between who I am and the emotions.

Interesting

-Zebe

WAR

2008-02-01T11:56:00.001-08:00

This was a interesting news letter I recived today. Wanted to share.

Has been slightly edited by yours truly, enjoy:

"Don't You Know There's A War On?

You live your life 7 days a week.

You approach your set goals every day, open, then hang in there and
escalate in whatever way you can until you get blown out.

After your daily goals are done you can do more work if you want to, if you're in
state or if you're just feeling keen.

But you ABSOLUTELY have to approach 5 of your tasks every day. And yes, a group of tasks related to one goal still just counts as ONE task.

You do not have a wingman or friend help you out. You do not wait for somone to join you to start a goal anyway.

Yes, you heard me. You tell yourself it's for backup, but really 90%
of the time that 'backup' is just something for your ego to hide
behind.

Be merciless with your ego.

Take the pain.

Take it all.

Don't bitch, don't whine, don't complain. Be a f*cking man. Take it.

You approach scary goalss, impossible goals, easy goals and anything
else that looks like it has a potential.

You go to Eckhart Tolle's website.

You buy ALL of his audio products.

You go to Apple Corporation's website.

And you buy an iPod.

You put NO MUSIC on your iPod. You listen to Tolle relentlessly.
Relentlessly.

Whenever you can, you listen to him. You fill your brain with his
voice.

You get industrial about this. This is not self-help.

This is self-destruction.

You do this for two months.

Then you take a fortnight off.

Then you do it for two months.

Then you take a fortnight off.

You continue this process.

If you cannot do this because of your job, quit.

If you cannot do this because of your friends, ditch them.

If you cannot do this because of money concerns, drink water when
you're out, go to bars with no cover charge and do it anyway.

Or kill someone and steal their wallet.

If you cannot do it because you are scared, face your fear and face
it down.

Keep your method SIMPLE and YOURS.

You do not want to be THINKING. Steer clear of 'tactics' based achiving
as you would steer clear of having sex with a leper.

If not, just go out and punch through that fucking wall with your
bare fists.

Success is nothing more than pressure over time, so be relentless.

Never accept your excuses.

Push yourself way, WAY beyond your pain threshold.

Be savage with your training, and you will see extreme improvement.

And remember - if you give up on this you are resigning yourself to
a life of mediocrity.

Which, to any right thinking man, is way, way worse than death.

Now get up.

Get up now.

Turn your fucking computer off and get up.

Get on your feet. Get out that door.

Whatever time of day or night it is, you get up. Now.

*hands you a rifle*

Get on your feet, soldier.

Don't you know there's a war on?"

-Some one else

2008-02-01T05:47:00.000-08:00

Whew!!

The candle has been burning at both ends as of late and I’m stepping dangerously close to the line. This is a fucking high wire act and its nothing but love!

Rockstar living my good lads’

Right now I am sitting in line for a student trip to Morocco. Only forty spots, and I would be lying if I didn’t mention this trip was popular. Last years trip to Russia was sold out within minutes and people had been in line all night.

Some classmates and I decided to either camp out the night or get here really early. The camping fell through a bit but, here we are, and on 4 hours of sleep no less.

Life is good.

To the article at hand.

I been noticing the older I get the faster my perception of time seems to be. When I was younger a day could be a whole eternity and Christmas seemed like it would never come. Now a days it seems like its Christmas every other time I look up.

Fact is, the older I get, the more things around me I have to focus on. My attention is divided onto a hundred tasks. As a kid my biggest concern was how to get my game boy back from my mom.

Kids tend to spend their attention more on the present moment more then any other point in time, and this is what makes their perception of time seem “slower” in comparison. The older we get, the more mental clutter and junk we accumulate, and after a while, its hard to see what’s really going on.

That’s why you have so many people graduating high school (momentum), going to college (momentum), getting a job (momentum), getting married (momentum), working even harder to get that promotion (momentum) getting a divorce cause they work to much (momentum) retiring and finally waking up. After retiring that gnawing feeling that people have been pushing to the back of their minds that they are missing something becomes blatantly clear and a lot of people spend their older days trying to catch up to the sun.

This sort of life is not inherently bad (or evil). Its just the blind momentum that leads people into it that is really destructive.

People neglect the present moment and tell themselves, as soon as I have archived/bought/ reached X, Y, or Z its going to be all money in the bank.

What drew my attention to this was how much I look forward to up coming events, and then after it passes, I can look back and see all the time I spent just looking forward to that moment. All the things that I let slip without focusing on it.
When it really comes down to it, the present moment is all we really have, and it will never get better then the present.

No moment is better then any other moment.

This is hard to explain. Imagine waiting for a bus stop in the rain. Your probably cold and miserable, and your thinking as soon as you get into your nice warm house things will be much better. Well….its all well and true that you are in a state of discomfort, but the daydreaming and focusing on the house is really nothing but a illusion. All one can do is really accept the present moment and try to live in it fully.

The past and future are ultimately nothing but illusions.

Buuuutt……

Before we get to philosophical about this whole issue, I just want to put some focus about how satisfying it is to just turn all that mental clutter off for a bit and just enjoying just existing.

But hey, who said momentum was negative?......right?

Cheers

-Zebe

The Most Dangerous Game Prt. 2

2008-01-23T02:23:00.000-08:00

I think when coming to a new town, all the old expectations drop, and a person call let all the habits that controlled ones day to day routines vanish.

A new start, a new system.

The whole city feels like one big campus. It’s a relatively small town, a bubble of sorts I have decided.

Few local bars, 1 nightclub, coffee shops (you know what kind), and one main street for shopping. I can potentially see this place growing a bit to small for one, but I think for a 6 month stay it will do very nicely.

So far the international crew consists of
1 girl from Canada
3 guys from Edinburgh
1 girl from Germany

The night after our arrival we all decided to go out and celebrate that fact that we were here by going to the only Chinese restaurant in town. A red light went off in my head as soon as the man at the door takes my coat.

(I cant afford for people to take my coat?)

Since the Edinburgh boys were a bit late we decided to get some water while we waited. 5 € a bottle only…..no tap allowed.

Umm………?

Everyone starts to shift a bit uncomfortably in their seats but no one says anything. The conversation starts up again and we wait for the guys to arrive. We get the menus. As soon as I notice no price tags on the meals the light in my head starts blinking.

Like a fog through the atmosphere of the table the regret starts creeping in.

“What are you doing?!! Your going to pay 59€ for a piece of greasy Chinese food that you don’t even really want Get the fuck out of here you idiot”

My mind has a unique way of putting things I thought to myself.

The servers start passing out the hot towels for refreshments. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I suggest that we don’t endet ourselves to slave labor for the next three weeks and get up and leave before we do something stupid.

Everyone gives token resistance…then agrees full heartedly.

Obviously no one wants to deliver the finally verdict to the waiter so yours truly has to grab the situation by the balls. What’s worse the Edinburgh boys leave their share of the money and leave to go wait outside. Cant take the social pressure…..

*cough*pussys*cough*

I wave the waitress over and when she is ready to take the order I causally glance through the manus. After a few seconds I snap it shut and let her now that we will be having the check for the water and that we are leaving.

She fails to see the humor in the situation…….c’est la vie.

(if your wondering the check was a grand total of 30€ for water, a coke and a few beers alone)

We end up splitting the group. One group to eat sushi, one to eat classic Dutch pancakes, and one to rule them all.

The girls get the sushi and the boys pancakes. To balance the gender differences I kidnap the German girl to go with us.

Its been a long day

Marcin decides to head home. German girl, Edinburgh boys, and myself make our way over to a local pub for some live Jazz and beers. Cant say that I wasn’t about to pass out, but after all this was the last weekend before school starts. Make the most of it, LIVE IN THE POWER OF NOW.

On my way to the room I stop by the girls room and shot the shit a bit. We have a pillow fight in our Victoria secret underwear, paint our nails pink and make some prank calls.

I get to the room to find my roomie Marcin passed out. After my nighttime ritual of push ups and flexing in the bathroom mirror I join him and drift off to a much needed sleep.

Cheers

-Zebe

The Most Dangerous Game Prt. 1

2008-01-22T04:06:00.000-08:00

I typed this up a few days ago when I just arrived but due to internet problems I couldn’t post it. Enjoy

Fiiiinally, time to relax and do nothing. Classmates and me are sitting in the Hotel lobby after our HUGE all-inclusive breakfast. When it’s the only paid for meal for day, you manage to put away a lot of food in one meal. Not to mention all the yogurt and fruit I store away for later on.

In total there are 6 of us here
Hanna
Johanna
Sofia
Niosha
Marcin
…and me

The trip over here was not a dance on tulips. Nothing went as planed. I guess small misunderstandings make the adventurers what they are.

Got to the airport at 1 pm for my 3 a clock flight. While checking in I am told the flight has been canceled. Turns out my new flight is at 5 a clock. With a few hours to burn, and a check for a free lunch (Thanks SAS) I make my way to the airport restaurant.

So Marcin calls me while he is checking his bag. We are on the ame flight. I come down to join up with him right when he is getting his food check to.

SAS Personel: “Have you recived your free lunch check aswell sir?”
Me: “My free what now….dont know what your talking about”
SAS: “Please accept this check for a free lunch at the airport as a compensation for your trouble.”
Me: “Well…..only if you insist”

The feeling off being a smooth ass player was quickly deflated when I was informed by the resturant that the two checks were only good for about 100kr combined. In other words…… I could almost buy a Big Mac at McDonalds with a single check.

I did get to checked my 80 pounds of luggage for free though. Officially the airline only allows 50 pounds, but since they hade caused me such an inconvenience I guess they felt they could let the extra 30 pounds slide.

We arrived at 9pm that night in Amsterdam.
No one waiting for us to take us to the University like promised.
With the help of some kind Dutch people, we get on the right train to our hotel. The town of Leiden is about 5 minutes from Amsterdam.

We arrive…only to find the visitor center with all our information closed.

As we exit the train station, we can see the Hotel not to far away.

As we are peppering to brave the walk with 6 months worth of luggage to carry something happens.
It started to rain.
I’m not talking about a light drizzle. I'm talking about God unleashing his furry upon the world in the form of sending the 6 riders of the Apocalypse rain version to drown all our luggage and us.

Somehow we make it to the hotel in a semi dry state.

Awesome…..anyway

Finally at the hotel, tired and exhausted. I woke up at 4 this particular morning for some reason. Maybe the last remains of jet lag from my US trip, or a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. Regardless I was about ready to pass out.

Good thing the housing department reserved our rooms. Getting the actual room went off without a hitch…

Oh wait…no it didn’t…they lost or reservation.

After looking through the computer we decided that we would just get a regular room. We needed a bed and shower pronto.

The girls and a Canadian hitchhiker they had meet up with meet us in the lobby and there are hugs and introductions all around. Everyone is in high spirits and there is electricity in the air from finally having arrived. Our new Canadian friendturns out to be a English Lit Major from Queens University…..somewhere in Canada.

Tensions between us run high as we both can smell North America on the other.

Smells a lot like the sent of human fear.

We roll out to the local student bar and get a few Heineken beers to accommodate the occasion that we have arrived in Holland. (Heineken is brewed 15 minutes away)

The streets are lit up with Christmas light looking things. The bridges over the rivers with the Windmills in the background really set the romantic mood.

Its like something out of a movie.

We arrived on a Thursday, the day after all the international students hit the local bar. Tonight was local’s night. Not at our table thought.

Laughs
Beer
America vs. Canada Jokes
Good times

Financial and Seleep Debt

2008-01-16T15:42:00.000-08:00

Was awoken today by my phone ringing. As I dragged myself out of bed I looked out the window. It was dark, nighttime I thought.

I angrily and dazedly answered the phone expecting to hear some shocking news. Why else would anyone call me at this hour?!

Turns out it was my friend Fredrik, and it was 15.05 in the afternoon…..just goes to show one can never underestimate what ones sleep debt and a lack of sunlight can do to you.
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Last night in Sweden, tomorrow is the day im shipping out. Cant say that I am as nervus as I am overwhelmed at all the things I have to take care off. The most turbulent time is going to be this adjustment period.

Since my lease starts February 1st the school has arranged for us exchange students to stay at a Hotel. I need to pay 600€ upfront tomorrow.

This is after I already put the down payment of 400€ for the first month on my contract.

Here is the deal.

As of now I have 100€ in my account right now. I am waiting for my school to deposit the rest of my cash, but there is no guarantee when this money will come.

As it stands right now it looks like I might be spending some time out on the streets in the Netherlands.

One friend suggested I befriend a new person each night at a local bar, and stay at a different place every night. It’s the 15 night challenge, no holds barred!!!

We’ll see what happens.

Right now I am to tired to really formulate something of any value so I’ll leave it at this.

Next post from the land of Wind Mills

-Zebe

2008-01-10T20:23:00.000-08:00

Here it is, the list of Glory that is my 2008 resolutions, in no particular order:

• Spend 7 hours a week a minimum on concentrated school study
• Read 100 pages of any book not relating to school a week
• Meditate for 20 minutes a day
• Gain weight
• Internalize at least 2 new positive beliefs
• Generate a income of 15,000 kr* a month
• Visit 1 new country (besides the Netherlands)
• Learn to communicate in French
• Try for Modeling
• Finish all Exams from Past years
• Learn to Box even better
• Keep going out 3 nights a week
• Learn to cook
• Eat Junk Food no more then once a month
• Learn to co-exist with parents harmoniously
• Spend more time in the NOW
• Change someone life for the better
• Learn to appreciate people that are better then me in other areas
• Become a better wine taster
• Act more think/plan/mentally masturbate less
• Start a blogg and update it once a week (DONE)
• Have the most productive year of my life so far

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

That’s the theme of this year.

Now everyone knows *gasp*, and that means no fucking around. Oh I just love stuff like this. To bad I have to start from absolut square one. Right now my playing around has brought me to a place of complete rock bottom. I feel burdend both mentally and physically by all the left over exams I haven’t completed, the paperwork for the transfer to Leiden, and all the stuff I have to finish up while I am in Sweden.

Part of me thinks its jet lag, but another part of me just wants to sleep all the time because I don’t want to have to deal with things.

C’est la vie

Easy come Easy Go

Cheers

-Zebe

*kr is the Swedish equivalent of dollars

This is your life....2008

2008-01-10T19:41:00.000-08:00

Whoooo 2008!

Well in less then a week I am heading to The Netherlands to study in Lieden. I am going to document this adventure for two reasons.

One: Let people know what the hell goes on in this little speck of a country

And

Two: Keep myself in check for this coming year

I have made the resolution that this is going to be my most productive, progress filled year in all areas. Pretty outrageous resolution but fuck it, why not??

Right now it is 5 am here in cold dark Stockholm and my jet lag has been keeping me on a irregular sleep cycle for the past week. The fact that I have millions of things to wrap up before I set off on my little international adventure sure doesn’t help.

The last and maybe most important function of this blogg will be to give me leverage on myself for completing my goals this year. As long as everyone I know is aware of my trying to accomplish something, I will be a lot less likely to just procrastinate and not follow through with it.

How embarrassing would that be……

Regardless, fuck it, lets start this lil’ project off.

Cheers

-Zebe